weekend from hell

If my husband's immune system was a car, it would be an armored truck driven by two burly, heavily armed security guards named Ox and Ogre.

If my immune system was a car, it would be a 1978 Ford Pinto driven by a drunk named Skeeter.

When Charles gets a cold, he sneezes twice, coughs once and it's all over.

When I get a cold, two weeks later I end up in the emergency room with a sinus infection so bad that I'm begging my husband to just shoot me in the head and end my miserable existence.

That's where I was last night. After the aforementioned plea for assisted suicide, my husband (hid the gun and) carted me to Oconee Memorial Hospital, where a very nice doctor gave me some very nice painkillers. After two of those babies, I felt very nice indeed.

Backing up a day, Saturday morning was spent taking my certification examination. This exam consisted of 250 multiple choice questions. Two. Hundred. And. Fifty.

Not only did I have a screaming headache that felt like rabid gerbils were trying to gnaw their way out of my skull through my eye sockets, but the test room had to have been at least 85 degrees. In addition, my body decided that morning would be a fantastic time to start its post-childbirth monthly cycle again. YAY! So now I have PMS, a skullcrunching grinder of a headache and I'm sweating.

All of this does not promote a peaceful and serene test-taking environment.

I didn't see much of Saturday afternoon, as I spent most of it curled up in the fetal position in the backseat of the car moaning and occasionally cursing loudly while Charles drove us from the middle of South Carolina to my parents' house in northeast Georgia.

At one point, I stopped groaning long enough to hear Charles offer this insightful look at my native state: "Georgia has some pretty big houses...that are pretty...and, um, big."

Post-happy-pain-pill, I asked him what that was all about, and he explained to me that he was just really tired from all that driving and was trying to keep himself awake.

Uh huh.

About the time we hit Athens, home of my alma mater the University of Georgia go Dawgs go, I was feeling well enough to sit up, so we decided to stop for a bite to eat. First, we had to hit the Junkman's Daughter's Brother, where a girl with green hair sold me a kick-ass infant onesie with the store's logo on it. Drew will be so stylish. All the other daycare babies will be jealous.

Then we stopped at The Grill, where we had sandwiches and fries with feta cheese dressing. I've missed Athens.

I was starting to feel that gerbils-eating-my-brain sensation again, so I passed out fell asleep again until we got to my parents' house, about an hour away.

When we got there, they proceeded to inform me that Drew had slept through the entire night Friday night. From 8:30 p.m. until 7:30 a.m.

He is physically incapable of doing this at home, but get him to grandma and grandpa's house....

I think they drugged him. Yeah. That explains it.

(note to Mom, if you are reading this: I know you didn't drug him. You are a wonderful grandma. And I'm sorry I said the word 'ass' earlier in this post. That's all.)

Mom also showed me the results of her foray to a local children's consignment sale. Said incursion resulted in approximately 2,576 new articles of clothing for Drew. Which means he won't need any new clothes for three months! Yay!

OK. Backing up yet another day to Friday night.

My first night without Drew. Just me and my husband and a cheap motel, as I mentioned in my last post.

It was nice, but not as nice as I envisioned.

The pros were:

1) A king-sized bed. Our bed at home is a queen. The king was a luxury.
2) Good TV reception. I was too sick to go out to a movie, so thank God we had a decent TV.
3) I didn't have to change any diapers.
4) They were all passed out by midnight. (see number 2 below for further explanation)

The cons:

1) If somebody in any of the surrounding units (or, possibly, any of the surrounding neighborhoods) flushed a toilet, our shower water turned either scaldingly hot or numbingly cold.
2) The motel was located near the University of South Carolina. Apparently, USC students like to party at cheap motels on the weekends, instead of getting drunk in their dorm rooms like normal college students. What can you expect from a school whose mascot is the Gamecock, and whose students can frequently be heard to shout, "Go Cocks!" ?
3) I was unprepared for how much I would miss my baby. At one point, I actually started crying when Charles and I were talking about some cute something Drew had done the night before.
Charles said, "I miss him too, but I'm not gonna, like, bawl about it."

Men...

So, that was my weekend in all its messy glory.

Anybody have any insight as to why I keep having hot flashes? Is it because of the aforementioned return of the dreaded monthly cycle? If so, why why why?

Why?

Comments

[Mom]

Language! How are you going to feel when Drew start using some of those words? You forgot to mention that Drew slept through both nights at our home!

[ebeth]

no one told me how your cycle and its habits can totally change after you have a baby. apparently my hormones are all in different proportions now - my PMS has cranked up to DEFCON 8.... so maybe it's that?

hope you're feeling better ... :)

[Tiffany]

you know I GREATLY enjoyed reading your post...and talking of Athens, and living in Northeast Ga myself...I was beginning to think, "WOW, I should really respond to this girl" and then I scroll down and you've got this nifty little reply box... -dances-

Anywho...I too had a fun and great night in athens, minus "The Grill" and the girl with green hair in Junkman's, however I did GO into Junkman's and marveled at the sharp, semi-evil, looking swords and the wicca books....which kinda made me wanna go home and watch Charmed, and then I snapped out of it, went back down stairs and bought a journal. ^^

After Junkman's it was the taco stand...and then Allgoode's, -mumbles- where i drank too much and crawled home....

THE END!

-laughs- seriously though....enjoyed so much reading your post...and would love to talk to ya...my email is also my msn...and I'm on all the time... -nods-