i'm falling apart

My new chiropractor is a very gentle, very personable Indian man who has this very soft and gentle way of telling you that your body is all screwed up.

As I lay face-down on the padded table, I listened to him dictating to his assistant as he prodded and poked at my spine.

In his thoughtful and soothingly accented voice, he used such disturbing words and phrases as "edema", "muscle spasming" and "subluxation."

"I am speaking to my assistant, but you are listening, yes? You hear what I am saying, yes? You understand?"

Yes, yes and absolutely not.

At one point, I stood in front of a full-length mirror while he stood behind me and pointed out that my right shoulder rests a full half-inch higher than my left shoulder, and my right hipbone is at least half an inch higher than my left hipbone.

"The posture, it tells us much about the spine and its problems," he explained helpfully.

That's great. I'm Quasimodo the Hunchback and he's spouting off to me from his Chiropractics 101 textbook.

"This is tender here, yes?" he asked as he dug a knuckle into my lower back.

Well, duh. Get your hands off it and it won't hurt. Quit trying to drum up business. You sold me when you pointed out the shoulder thing.

So, after much jabbing and nudging and a few X-rays, the chiropractor sat down across from me and explained that I needed to come in next week to discuss his findings and "then we decide if we accept you as a patient."

Oh great. So now my spine is auditioning for treatment.

I guess he saw the look on my face, because he hastened to explain that he wanted to make sure he could help me before accepting me as a patient. Oh. How benevolent. My insurance company would thank you from the bottom of its heart, if it had a heart, which it most assuredly does not.

So, I didn't actually get any adjustments (which is what they call it when they whip your spine into shape - I guess it sounds better than "bone-crunching"), and what with all the manhandling, my vertebrae are quite sore.

Maybe that's their way of ensuring that you'll actually come back. Tricky people, these chiropractors.

Comments

[Nan]

I'm sorry you had such a rough time! I had an adjustment the first time I saw my chiropractor, and she discussed everything with me (not her assistant) as she did it so I knew what was going on...and don't knock the bone crunching till you've felt the ecstacy that follows a good neck POP... :)