wherein i discuss my breasts in unnecessary detail

There are certain ages that are landmarks for us because of privileges they impart or just due to societal mores.

Age 13 - the first year of teenagerhood. A really sucky age, if truth be known, but at the time, it seems like a major accomplishment

Age 16 - the driver's license. Ah, the freedom of the open road. The bliss of driver's education. The joy of no longer having to drive with your dad sitting in the passenger seat yelling, "Slow down, dammit, slow down!" or your mother punching a hole through the passenger side floor by repeatedly attempting to slam on a brake that only she can see. (but I'm not bitter, no sir.)

Age 20 - out of teenagerland and into 20-something land. Almost as painful as age 13 and you still can't legally numb yourself with alcohol.

Age 21 - now you can.

Age 25 - those nasty car insurance rates go down. Magically, you overnight become a much more responsible driver. It's a miracle!

Age 30 - Nothing really good happens here, but it's not bad either. It's just...30. This shouldn't even be a milestone, really.

And then we hit 35.

At age 35, we women get to experience the joyful sensation of the "baseline mammogram." This is the mammogram by which all future mammograms will be judged, my OB-GYN told me.

Wow, thought I. That's a lot of pressure on my breasts, whose biggest job heretofore involved nourishing my young carnivorous son. What should I do to prepare them for this momentous occasion? Should I buy a new bra? One that will lift and separate? Should I go in for the boob equivalent of a manicure? A boobicure?

In the end, after briefly considering quick breast enlargement surgery, I decided to do nothing and just let my breasts succeed or fail on their own merits.

Feeling not a little bit ancient (I mean, come on, mammograms are for, you know, my mom. my grandma. women older than me.), I entered the women's hospital and signed in.

The very pleasant radiologist asked me all sorts of personal questions about my boobs, and then made me take off my shirt and drape myself in a tiny little hand towel.

She then proceeded to make me feel a whole lot better by saying, "With younger breasts, we take a few more scans, because you tend to have more glandular tissue."

Or something like that.

All I heard, really, was, "younger breasts."

That's right! I have young breasts! Positively glowing with youthful radiance! Supple! Perky! Non-saggy! I may be 35, but my breasts can't be any older than 20!

She ruined it a bit later by explaining how she has to position people with "smaller frames" in order to get a clear image.

Hmm. Smaller frames. That's a polite way of saying "tiny boobs." Suddenly my young supple breasts are tiny nubs of a miniscule amount of flesh topped by a nipple.

Whatever. This woman probably sees four hundred pairs of breasts in a week. Mine can't possibly be the smallest she's seen.

Can they?

I'm struck with the overwhelming urge to ask her.

Fortunately, I manage to restrain myself.

Overall, it wasn't an entirely awful process. I'd heard horror stories about women getting their breasts squished flat like pancakes and enduring all sorts of agony, but it was really very painless. It wasn't, you know, fun or anything, but it was more pleasant than a trip to the OB.

I really think there should be a more exciting event to mark turning 35, though, other than a potential decrease in fertility and a trip to the mammography lab.

Maybe I'll make something up - some kind of ritual or coming-of-age-but-not-old-age-just-kind-of-still-young-but-not-too-young age or something.

Yeah.

I wonder how much plastic surgery costs?

Comments

[Jenn]

Oh sh**! I forgot that the dreaded mammogram occurs at 35. No wonder my mother was quietly laughing when I told her I'd recently made an appointment for my annual checkup . Oh well get it over with.

[Carla]

I haven't had the pleasure yet of the baseline mammogram. It's something I'm not really looking forward to, though.

Oh, and you are going to end up with all sorts of freaks visiting this site with all the mention of boobs and breasts. You realize this, right? ;-)

[Jan]

Oh GREAT I have less than 5 years until the dreaded boob squish. I have NO idea how they are going to get my practically indented breasts in there, lol

[Nan]

Heh all I have to say is that I still have a year to go almost... :)

[amymbrennan]

A hahaha. I see I managed to inspire fear and dread in a few readers - my work here is done.
:)
Carla - uh oh, I totally didn't even think about that. Checked my referrers today and had two searches - one for "young breasts" and one for "boobs breasts". I don't think they found what they were looking for on my site...