hamburgers and pizza

Every so often, this lovely website called BabyZone sends me an email. I hesitate to call it "spam", because occasionally, amidst exhortations to Buy Baby Gear Now! 20 Percent Off!, I find a few nuggets of useful information or an interesting article.

Or sometimes, as was the case yesterday, I find an article that, albeit unintentionally, makes me giggle.

Yesterday's obiter dictum concerned Dining Out with Toddler, and why it doesn't have to involve McDonald's, Chuck E. Cheese or any other place that contains a playground. (or a cage.)

Now, I really hate it when people attempt to justify inaction or incompetence by coming up with excuse after excuse why every possible solution won't work for them, because their situation is so special or unusual. I'm going to try not to sound like one of those whiners. But, my first thought upon reading this article was, "Damn. Does this author even have toddlers?"

One of the suggestions was this:

"Tote along a little kit of supplies (toys, food, coloring books). Stock your wallet with emergency stickers and band-aids—not for injury, but for entertainment. Bring anything that your child enjoys that isn't noisy, messy or large."

Sure! Sounds great in theory, doesn't it? Here's the reality: the toys end up on the floor after the first three minutes; the coloring books are dutifully ignored in favor of eating the crayons and then, yes, dumping them on the floor; the stickers are crumpled and wadded until they lose their stickiness and thus, of course, lose whatever marginal appeal they held in the first place; and the snacks are tasted, found wanting and also hurled to the floor in messy, bite-sized chunks. And then the screaming commences.

"Set your expectations to "reasonable." Don't expect your child to be perfect, quiet, neat, and adventurous at first."

I would settle for him actually sitting in one place for more than five minutes, regardless of how loud or messy he was.

"Sit near the door if possible. If he cries, take him outside immediately. Be firm with your child that he cannot reenter the restaurant until he calms down and is quiet. "

Again, a nice theory. But this theory is based on the hypothesis that the toddler actually desires to return to the inside of the restaurant. Mine would much rather play in the parking lot.

"Set limits about where your antsy toddler can toddle. Around your table is fine, the aisle is off-limits, as are other people's tables."

Should I leash him? Should I tie the leash to the table leg?

"Cloth napkins work to strap your child to the high chair so he doesn't bounce or crawl out. Likewise, feel free to hold your child—a parent's lap can help relax your child."

Cloth napkins - oh my. How about a strong rope? A chain and padlock? We'd have to use one to keep him in our laps, too, because if there's one thing Drew will not do in a restaurant, it's sit. Anywhere. For any length of time beyond what it takes him to scarf down one or two bites of food.

Yeah, so, the article was definitely a good idea, and I was hopeful that it would provide me with some startling insight, something I'd never thought of, so that my husband and I could actually look forward to a restaurant meal that doesn't involve hamburgers or pizza, but alas, I see it is not to be.

So, speaking of restaurants, we took him to Chuck E. Cheese last night, with a group of mom friends who also have toddlers. The little girl toddlers were quite well-behaved and sat quietly and rather calmly. Drew and his new friend Alex, however, ran themselves ragged, stopping only to gulp down one piece of pizza each before returning to the fray.

I'm glad he's making new toddler friends, and, by association, I am making new mommy friends! Even if my child won't sit still, at least I have other mommies to commiserate with me. And, you know, to help me chase him down.

Comments

[Jenn]

Obviously written by someone who has one of those well behaved children. My kids didn't go to a restaurant until they were at least 3-and then where? A pizza place. I'm sure the Ritz carlton will post those little tidbits of info just as you walk in to the restaurant.

[Kelly]

Alex likes to play with the forks and knives at restuarants. I wonder why they didn't mention that in the article? Seems perfectly safe to me! ;-)

[ebeth]

I have to say that we've been taking Mary Catherine to restaurants since she was tiny and I agree with SOME of the advice given. Unpopular opinion, maybe.

How old is Drew now?

[Amy]

He's 2. And I've noticed that little boys tend to be more...um...rambunctious, shall we say? in restaurants than little girls. My friends who have girl toddlers don't do nearly as much chasing and running about as my friends who have boy toddlers! Not sure why that is, but I've definitely noticed the trend!

[ebeth]

I don't think it's a boy v girl thing at all - I have friends with boys who are pretty okay in restaurants..

[Nan]

Here comes one of those comments that will invariably start people thinking "what does SHE know, she doesn't even have children yet..."

I think it is a child by child thing. I have been out with friends that have children of both sexes that can either maintain in a "grown up" restaurant or be entertained by some of the things listed that Amy quoted, and I've been out with families with kids, again of both sexes, that can't even make it in the door before the screaming commences and the aisles between the tables become the Indy 500. Depends on the child and in some cases, I think, the parents...but to say one thing will work for all or for all boys or all girls just doesn't seem right to me.

[Amy]

Actually, Nan, I completely agree with you - and that's partly why I found that article so amusing. What works for one child won't work for another, and sometimes *nothing* works. Like I said, Charles and I had tried pretty much everything that article mentioned, but to no avail.
It's probably not a gender thing at all, but just differences in personalities.