Every so often, this lovely website called BabyZone sends me an email. I hesitate to call it "spam", because occasionally, amidst exhortations to Buy Baby Gear Now! 20 Percent Off!, I find a few nuggets of useful information or an interesting article.
Or sometimes, as was the case yesterday, I find an article that, albeit unintentionally, makes me giggle.
Yesterday's obiter dictum concerned Dining Out with Toddler, and why it doesn't have to involve McDonald's, Chuck E. Cheese or any other place that contains a playground. (or a cage.)
Now, I really hate it when people attempt to justify inaction or incompetence by coming up with excuse after excuse why every possible solution won't work for them, because their situation is so special or unusual. I'm going to try not to sound like one of those whiners. But, my first thought upon reading this article was, "Damn. Does this author even have toddlers?"
One of the suggestions was this:
"Tote along a little kit of supplies (toys, food, coloring books). Stock your wallet with emergency stickers and band-aids—not for injury, but for entertainment. Bring anything that your child enjoys that isn't noisy, messy or large."
Sure! Sounds great in theory, doesn't it? Here's the reality: the toys end up on the floor after the first three minutes; the coloring books are dutifully ignored in favor of eating the crayons and then, yes, dumping them on the floor; the stickers are crumpled and wadded until they lose their stickiness and thus, of course, lose whatever marginal appeal they held in the first place; and the snacks are tasted, found wanting and also hurled to the floor in messy, bite-sized chunks. And then the screaming commences.
"Set your expectations to "reasonable." Don't expect your child to be perfect, quiet, neat, and adventurous at first."
I would settle for him actually sitting in one place for more than five minutes, regardless of how loud or messy he was.
"Sit near the door if possible. If he cries, take him outside immediately. Be firm with your child that he cannot reenter the restaurant until he calms down and is quiet. "
Again, a nice theory. But this theory is based on the hypothesis that the toddler actually desires to return to the inside of the restaurant. Mine would much rather play in the parking lot.
"Set limits about where your antsy toddler can toddle. Around your table is fine, the aisle is off-limits, as are other people's tables."
Should I leash him? Should I tie the leash to the table leg?
"Cloth napkins work to strap your child to the high chair so he doesn't bounce or crawl out. Likewise, feel free to hold your child—a parent's lap can help relax your child."
Cloth napkins - oh my. How about a strong rope? A chain and padlock? We'd have to use one to keep him in our laps, too, because if there's one thing Drew will not do in a restaurant, it's sit. Anywhere. For any length of time beyond what it takes him to scarf down one or two bites of food.
Yeah, so, the article was definitely a good idea, and I was hopeful that it would provide me with some startling insight, something I'd never thought of, so that my husband and I could actually look forward to a restaurant meal that doesn't involve hamburgers or pizza, but alas, I see it is not to be.
So, speaking of restaurants, we took him to Chuck E. Cheese last night, with a group of mom friends who also have toddlers. The little girl toddlers were quite well-behaved and sat quietly and rather calmly. Drew and his new friend Alex, however, ran themselves ragged, stopping only to gulp down one piece of pizza each before returning to the fray.
I'm glad he's making new toddler friends, and, by association, I am making new mommy friends! Even if my child won't sit still, at least I have other mommies to commiserate with me. And, you know, to help me chase him down.
